Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Where does the control freak stop?

I know I’m a control freak. They say the first stage of recovery is acknowledgement. I’m not really sure it’s a problem though.
The thing is as I got ready for work at half five this morning (it’s always in the morning I have my most random thoughts) I began to wonder if my tendency towards control is more about compensating for how much life changes.
You see, at 30 I was not married and had no children. At 32 I was married with three children. It’s not an entirely accurate statement (When I turned 30 I was about 10 weeks pregnant and had been in a relationship for five years). But it does reflect how much life has changed.
If somebody had told me at that juncture about where we’d be now, about where my friends and family would be, well, choosing a hat off the menu would have been my first response.
My little brother is happily married. Taking responsibility for two little boys.
 My older brother moved back to Thailand.
My parents have three grandchildren and two step grand-children.
Three of those are mine.
J has moved back to Cardiff.
So have I.
Ok, these are the more extreme changes, but if this has happened in 3½ years, who could even begin to imagine where the next ten years might take us.

And then it doesn’t seem so odd that last night before I could relax, I had to:
-          Pack my overnight bag and work bag.
-          Get my clothes ready for the morning.
-          Straighten my hair (to save a bit of time in the morning)
-          Get Seren’s clothes ready for the next two days. Hang them on the wardrobe so they can be seen.
-          Get the boys clothes ready for this morning. Hang them outside the door so they are easily accessible.
-          Pack their changing bag with supplies for the next two days. Leave by the front door for mum.
-          Pack an overnight bag for the boys (for staying with my parents). Leave next to the changing bag.
It’s odd. I now get stressed before I go away with work (like the work when I get there won’t be stressful enough). All these things to do, just to go to work.
There is an order to my life, I like it. The things I can control. That the beds are made. That everything is laid out. That we have a food planner. That I have a ‘to-do’ list. That doors are kept shut. That there is a place for everything.

And yes, there is a SAHD in the house whilst I’m away, and he could get the children dressed and all the rest.
But I know it helps him out that everything is laid out. And I know Seren’s not going to playschool in shorts and t-shirt and wellington boots.

But as I think about all the things that have happened so far out of anyone’s control, I wonder if this is just ying and yang at work?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...