Monday, 31 December 2012

Two... become three... become five.. but need to remain two?

Sometimes, in blog world, and in the real world, everyone has the ability to take you into a world of perfection.

And you begin to think that yours is the only relationship which is as likely to have moments of peace and harmony, as turmoil and anger.

Many, many years ago I can recall a conversation where one friend didn't like her relationship as her other half was too placid, and the other because it was too fraught with arguments. There is that balance a relationship needs which plays to the strengths and needs of both individuals.

When I met Mr J we erred in the category of too placid, it wouldn't remain the case. We would row, and badly on occasion, but as my motto with relationships- the good times outweighed the bad times.
When Squeaks arrived in 2009 life became a balance of good times and bad times. We both loved our daughter immeasurably, but I struggled with motherhood and Mr J and I struggled with how our new relationship worked.
There is nothing to me which can throw out a relationship between two people more than throwing a third person into the equation. The complexity in having a child together is that there is no choosing, that that third person is so much the integral link in your lives that there can only be a way forward.

We did know at the end of everything that we would make it work.
We planned our wedding and also our plans to have another child.
On May 21st 2010 we were married at a mill in Yorkshire (the compromise of running away to sunnier climes).
In June 2010 we 'found' we were pregnant.
In July 2010 we discovered we were pregnant with twins.

In my memory being pregnant is a time of harmony, I'm not sure if this is rose-tinted spectacles or truth- that you spend your time planning the future that any problems in the present are forgotten.
When the boys arrived in January 2011 life was far from easy.
Mr J returned to work after 18months as a SAHD, I became a SAHM to three under-2's.

We both lived each others stresses- his of work, mine of sleep deprivation and parenting.

Fortunately, I guess, things were brought to a head with Tiny's admittance to hospital at ten weeks, and the realisation that we needed a family support network.

And then of course, like pregnancy, a new distraction became apparent- 'Operation: House Move'. There were probably rows in the months that followed but they could be put down to the stress of moving house, swapping roles as I went back to work and Mr J reverted to SAHD, and being a parent to three.

In October 2011 we moved to South Wales. And life, to me, seemed to even out. Routines were established and settled into, life took an even keel.

But 2012 has definitely been our most difficult year.
Do I think future years will be any easier?
To be honest, I really don't know.
I can't put our arguments down to anything other than a lack of communication, a lack of time as a couple, and a family struggling with the pressures of life- no different in many ways to everyone else's, but more important to us as it is ours.

I underestimated, of course, how difficult life would be for Mr J. Giving up his home of 40 years for an easier family life will always look good on paper, but is difficult nonetheless.
Constantly struggling to find a balance as a working mum has not been easy on anyone. Throw in nights away on a weekly basis, and more time away from my family, and more reliance on my parents.
And moving his mum down from Yorkshire so he is not worrying about her, but dealing instead with the house move, that battered our patience a year earlier and that was our home.

I have my moments where I think life would be better without him.
That from a practical point of view I could organise everything and give my children enough love...

.... And then that horrible reality kicks in, that I need his love and support, so I can be strong enough to be a good parent and have the strength to work knowing he is being the parent my children need.

Life really is no different to what it was before children, we cannot afford to be complacent, we have to have a relationship as a couple, as well as one as parents to our children, and we have to have a family unit which functions through love and happiness.

Somedays, when we are all working at it, it is the most perfect it can be.
Sometimes, it is a distant memory.
But as always, the times it remains within my grasp outweighs the times I can't quite reach it.


  1. Wow: this is uncanny! Your path has been almost identical to ours! Our twins were born in March 2010, we too have had many ups & downs. There is a high divorce rate in parents of twins, apparently: it can be very stressful. Ours were both ill for their first year or so & needed a lot of time & attention. Then in April (2012) we very reluctantly left our beautiful family home (for work) for a small mid-terrace here in South Wales! It's far too small but we're stuck until we sell our old place, so this year has been difficult in that way. Let's hope things work out for all of us in 2013!

  2. such a from the heart post, my relationship is often strained with my other half too, it is difficult to juggle everything and find time for each other, but like you when it is good its worth work through the bad to get too. I hope that 2013 helps everyone out a little and happiness is the overwelming thing we take from it x


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