Thursday, 10 January 2013

Trying to figure out a career plan

I do this every now and then.
I think I need to know what I want to be when I grow up.
Although, even when I was 'growing up' I couldn't make a decision.
When I left school I wanted to be a lawyer.
I took English, French and History A-levels, and a GCSE in Drama.
After a few months I decided it wasn't for me, I dropped History for Theatre Studies.

When I left college I wanted to teach drama.
I started a degree "Teaching Drama in Secondary Education", or something like that.
After a few months I decided it wasn't for me, I changed universities.
When I changed universities I wanted to specialise in SEN.
I completed a degree in Education & Communications.
And decided it wasn't for me, and made my part time job my career.

I moved to England and commenced my career in retail.
After a couple of years I decided it wasn't for me, I decided to change careers.

At the time I decided I wanted to be a trainer, or work in HR.
I didn't have CIPD which seemed to stand in my way.
But Monster picked up the keyword 'training' and I applied for a job.
My new career was born.
I was a Regional Strategy Adviser.
As you can imagine, it was the job I had always wanted...

I was that gobshite who came in promising I'd only be there three years, to establish myself, and go on to bigger and better things.

I got divorced, moved 200 miles, changed jobs, went on secondment, met someone, moved 30 miles, went back to my old job, got engaged, went back to uni, got promoted, got pregnant, got married, got pregnant, moved 200 miles, went on secondment.

And somehow July 2012 will see my twelfth year of service.

I came back from my second maternity leave to be presented with a pen, pencil and certificate. My long service award. I could have (and may be did privately) cried, I came back from maternity knowing this was it, and to be commended for staying somewhere so long was not what I need to hear.

So what now?
I would love my third pregnancy.
Mr J and I have spoken at length.
I think (because I know he loves me) it could happen.
But that's not really the point.

I can't imagine, moreover afford, a fourth (and fifth?!) child being brought into our home for a few years. That's the hard fact.
And if we wait... well, Mr J and I aren't getting any younger.
And I guess, it would be that just as we'd be coming out the other side, we'd be back where we are now.
And, there's the obvious risk of having twins again.
And, when we talk about the future, about me not working away, and Mr J going back to work.
And, the reality of the positives of my job.
Well, that would all be thrown to pot.

It is so difficult to rationalise the emotion associated with children and family, with that of finances, and employment, and age, but I think that is what is left.

We have the most amazing family.
And we are content, and happy.
(And frustrating, ill and whiney).
And fulfilled.

And so, this is us, the Johnson's.

And I will start dreaming up my future career.
Because I've been so good at that in the past.

In two years time the boys will start school.
And Mr J will start work.
And maybe, just maybe, I can have the job I always dreamed of...
.... If only I knew what it were....

...Well, I've got two years to figure it out!

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