I've had it with having my working mum guilt increased ten-fold.
I've had it with feeling hard done to and sorry for myself.
I have rose-tinted spectacles.
I seem to remember this time, pre-parenthood, where it was impossible to work effectively over the summer holidays because of the amount of people you relied on being on leave.
That not a lot went on over the school holidays.
For the last (more than a) few years it seems never ending.
In 2011 a naively thought returning from work in July would allow me time to ease back into the job.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
Well, albeit the boys only go to playschool three mornings a week, it really has been a transition having three children home full time.
Squeaks has been in school five afternoons a week, a playschool three mornings. Her routine more than anyone else's has been affected. Her sleep patterns are out-of-kilter, her thirst for knowledge is not being satisfied, and finding activities for two 2-year olds and a 4-year old most often prefer the younger two.
And, whilst I am trying to get my work balance sorted, and trying to work three days a week.
Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the hassle.
This week. Monday and Tuesday off. Two afternoons spent revising for a work-related exam.
Today, a work day put aside for revising. I spent it catching up on my two-days off. And reacting (I'd say responding, I know I was reacting) to the 'unable to plan for', that customer. Who really is well-meaning. Really. I mean who would question that setting up a two-tier communication system could ever be anything other than well-meaning. And who would have thought that the team were here to do anything other than make life difficult.
And so, tonight was spent revising for an exam.
And the more practice exams I have done, the lower my pass mark has been.
And so, I give up.
I'll give it my all.
And whilst this could be perceived as my list of reasons I've failed.
I know it's all rested with me.
Breathe. Give things 24 hours. Don't rise to the bait.
Does it really matter.
You know those children.
The ones that you've taken to the park every day.
The ones whose confidence increases on a daily basis.
Whose language skills make you shriek with laughter.
Who get giddy with excitement when they see you.
They really are all that matter.