Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Some days

I go back to work today.
I've enjoyed having half term off.
Having half term away from life, with my gorgeous family.

I do not want to go back to work.
In the same way as my children, who had INSET yesterday, do not want to go back to school.

Not wanting to compete, I hope I have extenuating circumstances.

Before I went on leave I had a really 'not nice' email,
And it was accompanied by another over the weekend.

And I was reminded of this quote.

Values to me are focused more than ever on wellbeing.
I feel powerless.
I see around me people's wellbeing being deeply affected.
And I can only wave my white flag in protest.

I wonder about values.

I wonder about values of fairness, of respect, of truth.

I wonder about how much the poor behaviours of society take their place as norms.
Of tardiness, of greed, of ignorance.
And worse.
Of entitlement.

I wonder how I make my stand.
I wonder whether my stand will be heard.

I wonder if my values are better elsewhere.
That values must align to the workplace.
Or that feeling of compromise forever prevails.

I have maintained that I must have a daily appreciation.
That my role must make a difference.
That I must be able to go home. And look at my children. And truthfully know:
"I have not been with you today, like I want to have been, but mummy hasn't been with you, because she has been somewhere else, and it has made a difference."
With this focus,
I have missed something.
Something in front of my eyes.
Where I have made this our focus.
I have missed what is in front of me.
I have prioritised the wider rather than the immediate.

And so, I return to work compromised.
That I cannot truthfully make this promise.
That I know my team's wellbeing must be prioritised.
And maybe I am the fixer.
But honestly, I would like to be the truth-teller.

I am not sure whether I can make a difference.
But I know I will have truth on my side.

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