Monday, 23 June 2014

*That* feeling

It's not a new feeling.
It's a feeling I can pinpoint across the years.

I couldn't talk to Mr J last night, too overwhelmed, and scared of the tears which would appear.
It's ok, I reassured him, we're fine.

These are just the feelings I inflict on our family.
I reprimanded myself.

Today I wanted to make excuses.
To remain under the covers.

And so,
To being proud of my daughter at Sunday School, convinced in spite of myself that she and her friends had left today learning something.
To her bestest's birthday party. The joy of turning 5. Watching my three celebrating this milestone.
To a car boot sale. To 'prop shopping'. Remembering the most enjoyable blog posts.
To home, to sunshine, playtime, bedtime, and cuddles.

I reminded myself, and was reminded, that this was our day of the week.
One of two days as a family to appreciate the happiness which will see me through the week.

And yes, we ended the day, appreciating each other.
My family letting me take an afternoon nap as my body wilted under the worst I have done to it.
Made it falter, made it rundown.
As I talked to Mr J tonight.
And he, typically, reminded me of previous occasions.
Those occasions where I have taken my stand.
Remained true to myself.
And.
13 years on.
To now.
Remained true to me.

And I told him, how this time was different.
And he gave me that knowing nod.
And I explained to him, how I can stand for myself, and know my limits.

That this time, it is not about me, and yet it is.
Too many people have felt this.
And whether you feel the force of the tidal wave or a tsunami,
People do not have the right to cause this.

People should not have to feel this.
To feel uncertainty.
To feel misunderstood.
To feel that unacceptable behaviours are acceptable.

And as I opened my mail on Friday night.
Knowing that I should wait till work resumed on Tuesday.
That everything changed.
I do not understand.
I rationalise.
I apply logic.
I weigh things up.
I am a proven operational manager.
I am a proven strategic manager.
And yet, the things I have read.
I cannot rationalise.

The promise.
To be true to myself.
More than ever, I know I am being tested.

And so I have spent tonight on job sites.
Knowing I cannot remain as I am.
Maybe I will have to.
The breadwinner.
My income is not a point of compromise.

Will I need to compromise.
I can prioritise my family above anything.

But.
It would be amazing, as me, if I could hold a piece of me true.
That I could stand.
For truth, for universal values, and for the right.
The right to finish work, and leave it.

And enjoy every aspect of family life.
Without compromise.

2 comments:

  1. Oh no, I am so sorry things have taken such a turn for the worse. I hope that you manage to find something very soon so that you aren't having to deal with this battering to your self-esteem and happiness too much longer.

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  2. Debbie, I am terribly guilty of not reading anywhere near enough blogs as I should and I'm just catching up now and can see things are a bit tough for you at the moment. I'm so sorry that you seem to be wavering professionally. I know what it's like to lose the passion for what you do, usually brought on by the ineffectiveness and apathy of others. I like to feel that my efforts make a difference. It's pretty much my main motivator. You sound so like me when I worked full time, and you know where I am if you ever want to sound off a bit.

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