Thursday, 17 July 2014

I am not a Completer Finisher

Years ago, too many to name, I did a course which involved looking at Belbin's Team Role Theory.
Representative of the general population, it transpired that our group lacked completer finishers.

It's followed me through life.
A lack of commitment.
An inability to wait for results.
And once the results are known, my instinct is to cut and run.

Lately though I have become aware of another habit.
Burying my head.

Life is difficult.
Of course, this is by my measure.
I know comparably.
I reiterate comparisons whilst I am sinking.
With insomnia. Migraines. And silly dreams.

And I know how many people I am letting down whilst I am sinking.

Because. When I have the choice. I can't look people in the eye and smile.
Without feeling like I'm deceiving.
Because I don't feel like smiling.

I feel like surrounding myself in my family.
Relishing in the laughter.
Embracing their love.

It's the only thing I can do.
I get home and I let myself by enveloped.
I am off the radar.
Uncertain of return for wanting to wallow in this love forever.

I have to return.
I have to pick myself up.

Each week reveals more.
And with more, the extended timeline.
That this thing will neither complete nor finish.
And if it does, it will not return.
It is damaged beyond recognition.
Lives are damaged inextricably.

And here I am.
Offering eye contact.
Smiling.
But only when I have no choice.

I will start afresh.
I will find me again.
I will be the commensurate professional.

From this point.
I will always trust my gut instincts.
I will only surround my family with those I trust immeasurably.
I will never again feel like my trust has been breached to such an extent that I struggle with forgiveness.
I will keep my family as my sanctuary.
I will keep them away from hurt, and those who inflict it.

I'm not sure how.
But this.
This we will move on from.
Maybe not stronger.
But hopefully, with the benefit of experience.

I will wake up in the morning.
I will spend it laughing, learning, and loving my boys.
I will take them to school.
And I will spend the afternoon making gifts for teachers.
And then, all three will return.
And we will write together.
On cards they created with the prints of their hands and finger tips.

And this is what matters.
Love. Generosity. Happiness. Friendship.

And that is what I will allow me to move on.

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