Of course this isn't the place to announce it.
But I'm slightly raw.
I didn't get the job.
I put myself out there.
And whilst I know I was rejected.
Oddly, or maybe not, it's already now more than that.
I have discovered what I am good at.
It has been reinforced what I am not so good at.
And I am left wondering.
Before I left the assessment centre on Friday, I completed the evaluation form.
I stated that I was nervous and I rushed.
Before getting my feedback I was asked what I thought I had done well, and not so well.
I reiterated my comfort zones, compared to this new experience.
And it was reinforced.
I was nervous. And rushed.
Did I give them a get out?
Some of the facts speak for themselves.
I did well in the interview.
I did really well in my testing for verbal reasoning, and better than I thought, and therefore well, in my numerical reasoning.
I fell down in the "assessment centre" exercises.
I do care.
I don't care.
I know where I now stand.
I am scared.
The experience has given me confidence.
It seems I am, in work terms, intelligent, and that I can demonstrate the positive attributes I possess at work.
In the role I was shortlisted for, it is too much of a development gap.
In honesty, before the interview, I was surprised I was shortlisted for the job.
I spent a week swotting up.
Trying my husband's patience as I spent each night reading endless government reports.
My dad and I joked that knowing nothing made me perfect for the job.
I had applied for two roles.
Part of the feedback was I was potentially better suited to the other role.
I didn't like to make them aware I hadn't been shortlisted for it.
It all adds up to make me feel that I don't fit.
Is this the beginning of the end?
Not knowing what my future holds.
Appreciating that the opportunity to progress has been halted.
Accepting, and gaining confidence from, the feedback given.
Knowing through the experience, how little satisfaction I have in my job.
That bit by bit the projects I thought had great qualities have broken me.
That I have found my ethical and moral values are more prevalent than I knew.
And more compromised than I thought possible.
And how my core project, my sanctuary, which I loved and nurtured, has found a surrogate.
Promotion isn't always the opportunity.
Knowing my strengths may not mean promotion.
I'm not sure how I can create my balance of family and work.
My (and Mr J's) gut instinct was promotion wasn't going to work, I would be too compromised with working away.
But we were agreed that I need to be happy at work and a promotion would be an improvement.
A new blank page.
A new journey.
And now, to begin a new beginning.