Saturday, 30 August 2014

Reflection, Change, Beginnings, Acceptance.

I started this blog in 2011. 
Whenever any blog post starts in this manner, you know there's going to be an element of naval gazing.
Let me start by reassuring you. 
This is complete naval gazing.

I started this blog prior to returning to work.
With three children. 
And a 22mth age difference.
Knowing that maternity leave wasn't a part of my future.

Mr J and I have once again had The Conversation.
Holidays and pregnancy announcements do it to me.
The perfect number.
I know our perfect number is three.
But to relive that period, to hold a babe in arms, as ours.
I will always miss that.

I know what we have it so much better.
These children, who astonish us.
I know I'm not meant to tell you this.
But we have a CD in the car.
The children define it as 'banging tunes'.
Each of us has our own track, which we share with our family.
We've had it for probably at least the last two months.
And I pretend, I think, the children are immune to swear words.
One of the tracks is Angels and Airways "It Hurts".
Ever since Seren interpreted 'bullsh*t' as 'blue shirt'...
"Was just a little blue shirt I saw through."
Until tonight.
When Seb, as loud and as clear as day.
"It so f*cking hurts".
Because of course we've been listening to the live version.
And despite hearing it a million times before.
Today was the day.

My children.
They make me amazingly happy.

Work wise.
This year I've written so much about work.
Everything changed with one... I was going to write one letter... but there is a reality... it was one person.
A person who has tested every moral fibre of my being.
For a number of years.
The choices that we make as individuals, to self destruct.
To involve others in our choices, which have the potential to impact in life changing ways.
I have learned in this process that forgiveness is the only thing that retains sanity.
And that regretting a previous forgiveness does not allow life to move on.
That some people will test, and challenge, and that, if in your eyes, there is no other route to the future but forgiveness, than forgiveness has to be the way forward.

And yet, there's more.
That fallout.
And the reflection.
And knowing, in all of this, you will never hear good about yourself.
But trusting, with reflection, that everyone has extenuating circumstances.

And that, what you did need, in a previous life, is not what you need now.
And what could have been, is not what will now work.
And no matter how difficult the next choices will be.
Whether there be more hurt or anxiety.
Your own fibre means people should only be set to succeed.

And then there's you.
A part of 'Transform'.
The organisation reform.
The organisation who has been integral to the past 13 years.
More hours of your 13 years than not.

The reflection.
To be or not to be.

The reality.
Not knowing.

Everything is off kilter.
To play a role.
Carpe Diem.

I do not know where the next six months in work will take me.
I know that the decisions the business takes will move the business forward.
With or without me.

Carpe Diem.
A new challenge.
A part of.
A new start.
The opportunity.

And with all the change and beginnings, and reflection.

I remember being back from maternity leave after the boys.

And commenting about how much a fraud I felt.
In South Wales.
200 miles from home.
With three children.
Blond with blue eyes.
Would someone challenge whether I was their mother.

I was offered assurance. Eye colour can change.

And today I took this picture.
Acceptance.

These blonde haired, blue eyes children are mine.
And this makes me happy.

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